hi love, not sure if you're just struggling or what it was that broke the giraffes back into total 'bandonment. I definitely spent way too much time with you occupying my mind. getting things done, but any free space filled by you, the silence of nighttime. I miss you, I worry. I have petty times where I want you to be sad, alone, hurt as well. I want to know if you or someone is "up to something." nothing about that results in positivity. when what I really wan't is for you to be comfortable, fully loved, make sure you're taken care of, & be there to do that. to know you had a good day, that it was a hard day, that it at least was a day… to know that you thought of us, not just hoped you did. to be waiting in hospitals & medical offices worrying about you, but know you are okay. to think of you when something of beauty brings a smile to my face, without the emptiness of you not there. to know the difference between beauty & passing struggle instead of a constant lurking sadness that permeates from all of the unknowns. to think that a lightness may come to you through me — a call, a text, a thought — not a "you again."

to smile.

to know that we are capable get through everything with some mutual understandings & patience. not in frustration, irritation, & … silence. to have hope, not a guarantee, of a sunrise, through work & respect together. to have you know that I overflow with love for you. to know that it gets overwhelming in mixed misunderstandings, that only complicate & frustrate everyone. to know that branches get bent, shadows cast darkness, a misguided crow poops, kakaw, but I am firmly rooted in love for you, able to bloom & blossom. & possibly most important:

do you know who you remind me of?

no one. absolutely no one. you are your own, completely special, chippy.

that's why this is so hard. from the silence, to the glimmers of hope. from the wanting to respect all boundaries based on unknowns to me, to 'these unknowns are too much for me.' that you are my only chipper. my loml.

but I am here full of love asking to walk beside you on a path that never diverges, as we figure it out, together.